Patterns

The Lies I've Told Myself, and How I'm Unlearning Them

This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions, but to be fair, so has my entire life. Yesterday was no different. I woke up feeling excited for the day, ready to conquer all I had planned. I sat down to write and almost instantly deflated. The rest of the day went to shit, as my brain shut down, and I decided to forgo all of my previously planned tasks. Gym? 'Nah, I'll go tomorrow.' Work? 'Nah, I need a brain break.' Learn? 'Nah, remember that brain break?'

So what did I do? Nothing. I did not move from the sofa all day. And how did that feel? Well, by the end of the day, I wanted to rip my own hair out from the sheer amount of energy buzzing through my body with nowhere to go. Manifesting into anxiety, aches, pains, and then feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing, I sat to meditate and fell asleep. Another win. This is my first pattern—self-sabotage and negative self-talk.

Even though my day was a bit of a fuck up, I woke up today feeling proud of myself.

Why?

Because all I wanted to do yesterday was self-soothe. I think multiple times I turned to my partner Jeff and mentioned wanting a drink, or to order food, or that I wanted to have some of my THC oil (prescribed) to calm myself—like I really wanted to numb how I was feeling. And the old me would have. But I didn't. This is my second pattern—self-soothing/self-medicating when things are too hard.

Instead, I sat there in my discomfort and forced myself to become conscious of my thoughts and feelings. I've learned through a recent deep dive into Dr. Joe Dispenza's meditation and self-development work that I am not my feelings and that I can choose my thoughts and change my vibration. The problem is that when I feel, I feel hard. I find it almost impossible to change my feelings when I'm in them. It feels like the end of the world, and I struggle to bring my focus out of the problem. On the other hand, I can be overly excited and optimistic, feeling I can do anything and utilizing my brain as a tool for good. My third pattern—ups and downs and no in-betweens.

Through forcing myself to sit in my shit, I found another tendency. When I'm not doing anything, I hate myself. Interesting.

So ensued a deep dive into my other tendencies:

• All-or-nothing mentality—my entire life, in everything from feelings to food, to health, to fitness, to work, to friends, blah blah blah.

• Self-sabotage when things are fucking awesome.

• Emotional reactivity—Feeling ALL the feels.

• Cutting people out before they can hurt me.

• Emotional avoidance through eating, drinking, and partying.

• Overthinking and catastrophizing—oh man, I’m great at this!

• Procrastinating and freezing.

• Giving up when things are too hard

• Perfectionism

The list goes on.

Down the rabbit hole I went, making lists of my tendencies, all of which were negative—not surprising given my habit of focusing on the problem and not the solution. But through this downward spiral, there was a spark that ignited as I realised the change in my feelings. While I was thinking about all of these things, I wasn't getting emotional, or hopeless, or sad, but instead, I was just observing them for what they were. And I realised that my work in this field has already been making an impact on how I am within myself.

It's interesting how the principles of Regenerative Development go hand in hand with my own personal development work, and how quickly I'm noticing this shift within myself. I'm beginning to see Leah as a whole, and not just my fragmented negative patterns. Rather than succumbing to my self-limiting beliefs and allowing myself to fall into a hopeless pit, I have been able to observe and question myself with less self-judgment. I've also recognised the potential within myself for growth and learning, and I understand how I have agency within my life and feel empowered to shed my victim mindset for conscious choice and action.

It was in our first Melbourne Story of Place session, where I was completely out of my depth, that the idea of patterns was introduced to me from a Regenerative point of view. Asked to discuss our ancestry, where we come from, our births, our upbringing, and the patterns that emerge in this timeline, I was overwhelmed. Something was mentioned about being a Hawk and an Eagle, and how one bird sees the whole picture, while the other narrows in on its target. I didn't realise I'm the one who narrows in—on problems, and things that make me unhappy. But now I am learning to see the big picture, to see the patterns and use them as a tool to understand myself, my essence, and how I can develop potential within myself and those around me. I'm excited to learn more.